It is a queer and unexpected thing to walk in the shadow of your own ghost. To see the past as if it happened in another realm, in another lifetime, to someone else completely at the exact same time to watch your memories move through the screen of your mind as if you are reliving them for the first time.
This is what it is like to travel back in time. As my life goes on, grows happier, and as I follow my own path (blindly?) in the direction f my dreams, I find myself growing more and more torn apart by what I find in what used to be the only place I’ve ever called “home.”
I see the deterioration of faking when what I thought of faking that everything’s alright when ‘what I think I’m supposed to do’ becomes ‘what I’m stuck doing.’ I see choices that don’t ever really seem to have been chosen, chasing away dreams of something that will forever remain a dream.
And I see success! Too, and fulfillment in the most unlikely of places, where even if it has taken some time, more time, maybe, than some might judge appropriate, following the voice of Truth, finally, and finding love and happiness and peace.
I’ve come to realize, too, that not everyone leaves. Not everyone must go hundreds of thousands of miles to out run their past, others who seem to be living only in Yesterday. What an experience, to go back to the someone that you were, to stand in her place as if reliving it moment by moment in history, to be slowly suffocated by what could have been.
Fareed Zakaria writes of the importance of a liberal arts education in his book, In Defense Of A Liberal Education, if for no other reason (and there are plenty) than to learn how to think. How to form a thought and then communicate it. To cultivate the ability to remove the lens through which you view the world, set it aside, and take in a new perspective.
This is the practice of mindfulness. This is yoga. To understand that no matter how differently you may interpret it, what you see is the same.